[Darwin’s Shorts] [Series 42
“Paint with Arthur”
Episode 18] Hi, my name is Arthur Marker, and I thank you for being here with me this little corner of the world of grand art but most importantly, grand fun. If you’re here with me for the first time, it’s nice to meet you. But if it’s not your first time, thank you for inviting me back into your home again. You don’t even know how much it means to me. But let’s not waste any more time. Today, we’ll paint a small, wonderful picture. In a moment, all of the colors you need to paint this wonderful piece will show up on-screen. [VENOMOUS YELLOW]
I hope you have your palette handy. [TRAITOROUS GREEN]
But if not, you can grab any cutting board, [BLOODY RED]
and make a hole in it, using a knife or a drill. [TEARFUL BLUE]
You can also use a plastic element from your wife’s or your partner’s suitcase, [FECAL BROWN]
If the suitcases are still at home. [SCARLET SCARLET]
I covered the canvas you see here [DEPRESSING BLACK]
with a special white base, just so our paints [HOPELESS PINK]
spread nicely, and painting itself was just [SAD-LIFE GREY]
much more pleasant. A very thin layer. Almost invisible. The title of today’s picture is “My Happiness”. [picture no. 965
“My Happiness”] We’ll start by using a bit of tearful blue and we’ll smear it all over to create a sky. Take only a bit. Just a tiny bit. And, with small x’s… We start… To paint our sky. Precisely, slowly, we paint our sad sky that doesn’t have to be sad, really. It all depends on… Whether you’re surrounded by people whose hearts are made out of stone. As you can see, I’m using a Bon Voyage brush. And now, the sky is slowly starting to clear up on our canvas. If you want, you can now create a tiny cloud. A tiny friendly cloud. Maybe some rain will fall down from her, maybe it won’t. Maybe she’ll cover the sun, and you’ll feel like you won’t see it again, and your life is… We could keep our heads in the clouds all day like this, but we sometimes have to come back to earth. But to do this, we’ll have to paint said earth first. So let’s mix a bit of fecal brown, and depressive black, so that we can fully capture the meaning of existence on this dirty planet. And, with horizontal strokes… We begin to… Make our earth. The earth on which our relatives will walk on, on which our children will play on top of. A happy, loving family of small, wormy apples. Fecal brown spreads fantastically, and depressive black adds the suitable atmosphere. [groan in the background] Oh! I think that the parcel came… The one I ordered… Not so long ago. In that case, let me leave you all for a moment here. Don’t go anywhere. [slapping sounds] Would you like to live in the mountains?
I always wanted to. That’s why let’s take some sad-life grey, and let’s paint some beautiful, tall mountains. Whether it’s the Alps, Tatras or Tarnow mountains, That doesn’t matter. Your decision. Your picture. A sad, grey view, reminding you about how much you used to love your dreams. It can be fuzzy. Someday you’ll stop looking up anyway. I think that this is a good moment to use the venomous yellow, and to finally paint a little sun. Put it anywhere you want. Don’t let anything restrict you. Don’t let anyone forbid you anything. Like meeting with your friends, or meeting other women because of morbid jealousy. And here we have a beautiful, yellow sun, which reminds us that tomorrow is going to be another sad day. Every man should do three things in his life. Plant a tree, build a house, and father a son. But sometimes that doesn’t work out, and you father two, wonderful daughters,
whom you love dearly. If you’re ready, use black and brown again, we’ll plant a little tree. [konocking noises] My tree will be here. Whether it’s a birch, or an oak… Or maybe an apple tree?
I planted an apple tree. It’ll fit the rotten apples nicely. Look at how wonderfully it has grown in 10 years. We can paint small branches with fecal brown, of course. If you’re wondering where the leaves are… The answer is – on the ground. It’s autumn. November. All the leaves have fallen to the ground already. It’s a good moment to ruin the life of the person you’ve spent 15 years with. [more knocking noises] And now that we have our little tree… Let’s paint a house. A wonderful house. A house… From life savings. From overworking yourself. From committing time and neglecting your dying parents because you thought that your new family is going to be the most important one. Of course, for the walls, we’ll also use depressing black, because empty walls are exactly what you’re going to look at for the rest of your life. 1-2-3-4, we have walls, we have a roof, and a mortgage for 40 years. While we’re on the topic of family, let’s not be afraid; let’s paint them. [banging] Three wonderful creatures you love above anything else. Two wonderful girls, and her. Despite the fact that she’s not an alien,
we’ll use traitorous green because it just suits her perfectly. Here. Hair. Fecal brown. And, of course, let’s paint a pink dress that you found on the ground near the entrance door when you came back from work early. Next, we have the pants of our green lover… And, next, we stab everything… with bloody red. Everywhere. And while you stab her, you can ask “Why?” “Why didn’t you talk to me? You didn’t want to fight for it, you went with him.” “Who even is he, huh? What does he have that I don’t?” And, of course, we stab the lover with bloody red. Tearful blue will be useful for the tears of the girls who enter the room and scream: “Why did dad go crazy? What is he doing
to mom? Help! I’m calling the police!” Don’t call anywhere, this is a matter
between daddy and mommy! Please, go back to your rooms at once! “But Arthur!” You shut up! I’m not done with you!
Lay down and don’t move! And now, of course, we can pour some flammable gasoline all over it. And we set fire to this crap, we burn our whole life, because we don’t have any anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, that is all for now. If the police doesn’t find me, we’ll see each other next week. If I’m not here, then maybe I have set myself on fire.
Nobody will care anyway. See you. [Police! On the ground!] [This episode was inspired by Bob Ross’ program, not Deadpool. Thank you.] “Hansel and Gretel – the siblings who lived”